Tomorrow morning's headlines would read: JESUS RETURNS! And, to reach the most tolerant and informed audience possible, he would appear on the Rachel Maddow's show tomorrow evening for his first televised interview:
Rachel: Thank you for joining us this evening. No doubt this has been a busy day for you. Will you mind if I call you by your first name?
Jesus: It’s my pleasure, Rachel. I appreciate your inviting me...and of course not. Jesus, Joshua...whatever.
R: Before we begin, just to make certain that you understand where I am coming from, I should probably disclose to you, and to our audience, that I am Jewish.
J: Me too. My mom, my dad, my brothers and sisters...friends. All Jewish.
R: Oh, okay. I’m guessing that the one question that our Christian viewers hope that I will ask first is: What took you so long?
J: [Jesus gets the joke and chuckles as he answers] I had to save up for bus fare, Rachel.
R: Are you saying that with the billions of dollars that are tithed to churches and sent to televangelists, no one would spare you bus fare?
J: That’s what I’m saying, Rachel. They keep praying for me to put in a good word for them, you know, with “The Big Guy,” always asking for money to grease their palms--but do you think, G-d forbid, they’d spring a buck or two for one measly ticket for me?
R: Now, I'll get right to the point. I presume you have heard the recent reports that Glenn Beck advised Christians to leave their churches if they heard the words, “social justice,” spoken by their pastors…
J: Yes, yes I have heard that. Actually, I watched a video of him on YouTube this afternoon…he kind of reminds me of the swine I sent flying…oops, sorry, I didn’t mean to go on so. This is my first televised interview, you understand, and I'm a little nervous.
R: No, that’s quite all right, Jesus…please continue.
J: Well, I guess, if I’m not being too arrogant, I am pretty much an expert on what you twenty-first centuriers (is that a word? Not used to speaking English) anyway, what you modern-day folks call, “social justice.”
R: How is that?
J: Well, I guess if anyone has proof of exactly what “social injustice” looks like, I do.
R: You are referring to the crucifixion?
J. Well that and all these desperate letters I've received from just all sorts of people.
R: Are you talking about populations in Africa and in third world countries?
J: [Holding up a fist full of letters] No, I will deal with them in a minute. These letters are from children here--they are all post marked, “The United States of America.”
R: But many members of the right wing of American politics would say that the parents are to blame for the poverty and hunger that these children are experiencing. Irresponsible single mothers. Absentee fathers.
J: Single mothers? Absentee Fathers? If my step dad hadn’t come along when he did and…well, anyway, what in the hell do they think would have happened to me?
R: We need to go to this commercial, but when we return, I hope that we can discuss your viewpoints on other religions…
J: Do you mean besides Judaism?
R: Good Lord! You have been away for a long time...We’ll be back right after this commercial break…
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